the future

i'm afraid i might be living in the past. not that the past was so terrific, or ever all that great. so things haven't been fair, so what. i have to face the fact that sometimes i didn't know i was wrong, when clearly i was. i can't expect everyone else to be always right and fair right when obviously i haven't. what i am saying is, people make mistakes, including me. i got my heart broke, it was something i had to do. i'm not saying i wanted it to happen, i'm saying i had to take that chance. is it really possible for me to just forgive beth and myself without some water passing under the bridge. is anyone that grown up? i really have to wonder if i would have felt this way or even put myself in that position to be loved or rejected if it were not for noah. but does that really matter eithier? i didn't think so. so what does mater is if i can start being able to live with myself better from this point forward. its just so easy to be unhappy and angry and well, blameless. but i really do know better. i've made some bad decisions, and really i knew beth didn't love me, not like i loved her. all i can do now is let her be noah's mother and hopefully i can be a decent father. decent meaning to keep my promises, be responsible, and take better care of myself. it sounds so easy but it never is. i've really had some serious doubts about my character lately. more serious than i have ever had before. if that isn't a sign of things needing to change then there will never be one. i don't think i have ever felt so lonley. i've never felt so insecure about work or being responsible in general. i guess because its never been more important.