dear noah

did i ever tell you how different things are now? i know i have told you how awesome scooter is. scooter rules. i should be ashamed, i let my brother dogknap him. i miss scooter. i really didnt want to talk about scooter though. but, boy do i love me some scooter. you know who i love more though? more than anything or anyone in the world? YOU.

i never felt like this in my life. like something was really and truly more important than me. technically it is me, but its not. just something that i am a part of - and now i feel like its being taken away. i was convinced i didnt deserve to be a dad. dads should have their lives together and have a better idea of who they are than i do - but you know what? it doesn't matter now because your already here. and maybe its wrong but you give me reason to become that person that does deserve to be as close to you as possible and that deserves your love and respect. there is nothing in the world that i want more.

i'm so sad, i just want so badly to be there and i can't. not like how i want. like right now. i want you so much closer. i'm afraid i need you too much. i dont know what i should do without you. when i look at you everything becomes important. what i do matters. now, even i matter. not like before i knew you. not like before i loved someone more than myself. i dont understand it but its the one thing i dont feel like i should. i just do love you so much and i need you to know or nothing will ever change and i will always be lost.

i hate to be so cynical. i'm mad at myself for being unable to find some worthwhile personal context before you came into my life. i don't want to use you like that. but i promise i'm going to work on it. i've got to. don't worry i am full of ideas. its just making them become more than ideas that is hard. i have got so much to tell you really. things i should have already said. i know you wont understand for a long time to come but i have to live with myself now.

i love your mother. i love her for bringing you in to my life. i love her for demanding more of me than i have been demanding of myself. i love her even though she doesnt want me around. i just love her. she loves you so much. i could probably never do many of the things she has done for you. i know she is going to take good care of you no matter what. so i'm trying not to be mad but there is no way i can stop from being sad right now. i miss you guys.

4ever and ever amen,
dad